Sunday, 8 April 2012

See You Soon, Mama. I love you.

Today, I have gone through every single thing you can imagine – anger, sadness, fear and guilt. Every inch. Every last one. Except regret, because I know you can't regret something you can’t change. 

I felt Mama was taken from me long before she died. And I still feel that now. 

That day, when Mama couldn't speak and say her last piece, seeing her look at me, incubated, eyes covered with tears, and fighting for her last breath.. those were one of the worst memories I have. 

Just before Mama got real bad and they had to rush her to the hospital, I was out so they called me. And then literally when I arrived, she was weak and powerless, couldn't talk anymore. So I gave myself 2 options. One is to feel really guilty about it for the rest of my life. And the other is to forgive myself. Hence, I know the 1st option is way easier than the 2nd one. But sometimes I have to struggle with them both. 

I know the only way for me to go on and move on is not dwell on those times. Sabi nga ni Albert sa akin, “you just have to bounce back”. Not think about the times where I just wished for everything to be over. Thoughts that sometimes, I wish things were different. Thoughts of .. I don’t know how to make it through the next hour or day or week without her. 

I know I had to focus on the good. But I feel that I still need her every day. And every time a day ends. I’m still in shock. How will I make it through it without her. It's hard. :( 

She raised me well. She made me this wonderful person I am today. And I'm thankful that she gave me her life, her everything. 

I have to believe that somehow her 57 years here on earth had a purpose -- to serve, to help other people, to deliver goodness and knowledge, to care, to provide and to love each and one of us. 

I break down all the time. All the time. And all I want to do is talk to Mama. To talk to her and tell her all my problems, and worries and tell her how much I love her. 

It’s hard, and everything just looks black, and I can’t see anything except black and blank ahead of me. 

Unfortunately, I know I still have quite a road left until I get to the end. Mixed emotions. Uncertainties. I really don't know. 

Even if it's over, even if I know that she's now at peace, resting, there's still a tiny piece of hope that something will suddenly change and she’ll be okay again. That she won't leave us. I want to see her all the time, but it only makes me feel worse. And since she's gone, I couldn't stop thinking about her, sad thoughts keeps coming back, what ifs and what-could-have-been and they are so much worse than reality. :'( 

I miss her so much. And it only made me realize I have no choice but to accept and move on.

Mama, I know you're up there...with Lolo and Lola now. With Papa God. But I miss you. Mahal na mahal kita, Mama. I know you're happy now. Pain-free. Rest well in peace. I will see you soon. I love you.